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Movie Reviews!

JASON X


*WARNING* This Review contains MAJOR SPOILERS for this film. Read at your own risk.

As the movie starts we see Jason being restrained by chains and locks. What we get to see here are some shots of Jason looking human. Close-up shots on the eyes, A feeling that Jason is more than just the homicidal/mutant/killing machine we have always known him to be. The year, presumably, based on events later in the film, is around 2020.

He is being held and what is called, The Crystal Lake Research Facility. He is about to be cryogenically frozen, but, as we soon find out, some other people want to keep him unfrozen to run tests on him. Not everyday do you run across a "man" that can re-grow flesh and limbs, and is invincible. A scientist, complete with his own little army, comes to take Jason away.

The woman in charge of the project, ROWAN (Lexa Doig), tries to stop him, but she is not successful. The scientist and his army go in to get Jason only to find the guard who had been watching over him is now dead, and tied up in his chains. Before they have time to react, Jason is on his first killing spree of the flick. Seven minutes in and already a body count of 7. This might not be so bad after all.

While Rowan waits outside of Jason's holding area she hears the noises coming from inside, just as she is about to investigate a body is thrown through the door. She leans down to speak to him and Jason does his first magic act of the movie. As the dying soldier tells her that he is sorry she notices that Jason is behind her and down the hall. She grabs the soldiers Shotgun and starts to run. Hasn't she seen these movies before? Ah. She has. She runs to the Cryogenics Room and tricks and blasts Jason into the Freezing Chamber and turns it on. As she watches, and Jason starts to freeze, she is greeted by the sharp end of his machete as he stabs her in the mid section right through the chamber door. Creating a breech in the door the whole cryogenic lab goes into shutdown. Locking Rowan and Voorhees in, both to be frozen in time.....

Many years into the future, you can tell because there are cobwebs and dust all over the facility now, a group of students, decked out in space gear, are checking out the deserted facility when they come across the Cryo Stasis chamber. They open it to find Jason, frozen mid-slash. Just like the McFarlane Toys figure. Not all of them recognize the strange mask he is wearing, but one of them soon realizes it's a hockey mask, from the sport that was banned in 2024. Still no word on what the date actually is.

Soon they find Rowan and after testing her they realize that she can be brought back to life and spring into action to get her to their ship. As they are preparing to leave, the clumsy one in the group accidentally knocks some of the ice off Jason's frozen body. This causes the body to fall down, and on it's downward fall the machete in Jason's hand manages to cut off the clumsy fools arm. Even when he is frozen, that Jason is a deadly limb-severing machine! The medic puts a patch on Clumsy's stump and injects him come medicine and he feels no pain within seconds.

Making it back to the main spaceship, the Grendel, a Class 4 Catamaran Transport Ship, they prepare Rowan to bring her back to life while another student runs tests on Jason. Apparently Jason has a very small brain. The cast of Dawson's Creek runs this ship. It's full of 20 something nobodies, women in half shirts and men who look like extras from American Pie. On of these horny young coeds, I mean 1st year students, thinks that Jason probably has a big penis. Yay, penis jokes!

The special effects here are a bit cheesy. Think Wing Commander meets Red Dwarf. They have some sort of Ant-Nanite technology that can re-attach severed limbs and also bring Rowan out of cryo. These are some multi-talented ants.

Rowan is awake! And half naked. Ooh lah lah. We finally learn that the year is 2455 and that the Professor whose students found the bodies is in dire need of money. He thinks that having a 455-year-old human will help him with that. But soon finds out that no one will care since there are already 250 year olds running around all the time. He also finds out that Jason Voorhees killed over 200 people and then disappeared without a trace, and to the right buyer his body could be worth a fortune! I wonder if Michael Jackson is still alive in 2455.

Meanwhile the tests on Jason are running right along. The female student has two assistants but they are too busy making out with each other to help, so she sends them away take care of their own thing. Oh yeah, they are so gonna do it.

After pulling out his right eyeball the lone female scientist starts to cut off his mask. Ten bucks says it's Gary Coleman! Nope, it's the Toxic Avenger. I knew it! Luckily we only get a brief glimpse of this. "Poor baby, no wonder you wore this thing."

It's a half an hour in and we just now get our first titty shot. And they aren't even real tits. The nipples keep falling off. Sheesh. Seems one of the half shirted doctors in training is an android. She just wants to be like all the other girls.

As two students get it on in another part of the ship, Jason wakes up. I think he can smell sex. Okay, new theory here, but what if Jason is just a bible thumping Christian hell bent on ridding the world of sinners. Anyhow, the beautiful scientist becomes his first victim on the 25th Century. After pushing her head into a sink full of liquid nitrogen, and don't you hate it when someone leaves the sink full of that stuff, he smashes her face into the counter and it's frozen daiquiri time!

Jason's got a new blade! Watch out!!

We find out that the ship is heading for Earth 2. Didn't NBC cancel that years ago? We also learn that the first attempt to execute Jason came in 2008. Electrocution, Gas Chamber, Firing Squad, and then hanging. Yeah, frying, gassing, and shooting didn't work. Let's try choking him to death!

Just as everyone finds out that Jason is loose, Jason finds those naughty students who were making with the whoopie and offs the guy. This is the Abstinence P.S.A. they need to be playing on MTV all the time. "Pre-marital sex, it can be killer."

Jason's on a killing spree. He finally kills the clumsy kid and then a Stone Cold Steve Austin Look-alike after a funny little scene where Jason invades their holographic killing game. Jason cutting C.G.I. monsters in half. I have been dreaming about this all my life.

With all the students held up in quarters the ships crew goes out after Jason. There are a lot of "You wish you could fuck Me." lines by the women in this film. My money is on all these "stuck up" girls to get the shaft, if you know what I mean.

Ten minutes, one awful line, and 6 dead crewman later. We get the best line of the film. Best line in any Jason film actually. I won't ruin it here, I've already pretty much given you a rundown of the entire film, and I gotta leave something for you.

As the ship prepares to dock at the Solaris Docking Port, where sixty odd soldiers are waiting to get the students off the ship, Jason is up to his old tricks again and kills the navigator just before docking was to commence. This sends the ship off course and it crashes through the Solaris blowing it to smithereens in the process. The dialogue here is really bad. It feels like some of the characters are just talking to feel up space on the page. After watching the Solaris blow up and feeling the after shock of that explosion, one of them says "it's gone", and another says, "it can't be gone", and the other says "well look, it's gone." Brilliant.

Jason tries to break in. He does, the students run. The professor is left behind. Jason finds his old blade! Watch out!! The professor tells everyone it's okay, he just wanted his blade back. Cut to students, cue professor screaming. Way too much killing off screen.

The students' split up, they need to make it to the shuttle pod to get out alive. Eww one of them is gonna do it with the nipple free android. Two soon to be dead girls head off with Rowan one way while the rest take off other ways. Rowan takes a huge futuristic gun and says she knows how to use it because it's just like riding a bike. One of the Soon To Be Dead Twins asks what a bike is. No bikes in the future?? What does this mean? It has to be that damn Segway!

Jason's back and Android Bitch got an "upload"; I think he meant upgrade, because the line was just awful. Android Bitch and Jason fight. Well not so much a fight as Jason getting torn to bits an pieces. It ends with her blowing up 3/4 of his head. Poorly shot, poorly acted, I was waiting for Jason to rip her in two and cut the ugly smile off her face but it never happened.

Okay. Jason's "dead", the ships about to blow up and who saves the day? That's right, the chick that's 450 years old. She knows all about the ship. "Hwy what if we blow this and this up and we can survive in this part of the ship." "No that won't wor-- hey, wait a minute, it will!" that never happens in movies. Never.

Did I mention that when they "killed" Jason that he fell on one of those medical beds with the Ant-Nanites that rebuild flesh and limbs? Never thought that plot point would have come back to bite them in the ass. They can rebuild him, make him faster, stronger, BULLETPROOF! Robo-Jason in da hizouse!

Fifteen minutes left in the movie and the Jason X they have been splattering pics of on the net everywhere finally shows up. And he is pissed. Android Bitch is going down. One down, two down, three down! "What's going on here?" "Jason fucking Voorhees is what's going on here!"

They blow the charges and half of the ship blows up, the half with Jason in it. But wait! He managed to survive! He's on the outside ripping his way in! Hull breach! Oh no, there goes Soon To Be Dead Twin #2. The Hull Breach is sucking her in. Right before her body gets sucked through a grate she says what has been on my mind since the android fight scene, "This sucks on so many levels."

Okay, the ship is blowing up. They need to get out! The rescue ship arrives but the bay doors won't open. Sarge goes out to fix it from the outside in his space suit. Jason is getting closer, but they have a plan. As soon as he gets close they put him in some sort of Holographic bubble. Jason thinks he is back at Crystal Lake. He seems confused. And then he sees something through the bubble. He is heading for them again.

What comes next is the best scene in the film. They load up Crystal Lake 1980 Scenario. Two camper girls in skimpy clothes appear behind Jason. They tell him that he is cute and they offer him some beer and some pot. They also offer him sex. "How about some pre-marital sex. We just LOVE pre-marital sex!" They then peel of their tops and jump into sleeping bags. Jason kneels toward them.

"It worked!"

Cut back to Jason. He has one of the sleeping bags in hand, girl inside and he is beating the other girl in the sleeping bag with it. Hilarious scene, and an homage to the best death scene in any Friday the 13th flick. If you are thinking about seeing this movie see it for this scene alone.


Now the ship is really starting to break apart. The holograph starts to break down, the Sarge gets the doors open and Rowan and the other guy get into the rescue ship. Without Sarge! Sarge and Jason come eye to eye and clash as the ship is blowing up.

The explosion sends Jason hurtling toward the rescue ship. Just before he hits the door, Sarge comes zipping by in his space suit and sends Jason and himself rocketing toward what I assume is Earth 2. I don't see Antonio Sobato Jr. anywhere so it's just a guess. Sarge and Jason burst into flame as they soar through the atmosphere.

 

 

Rowan can't believe that it's finally over. But is assured that Jason is gone. Cut to Earth 2. A couple sits under the stars in the woods. "Look, a falling star. Make a wish." "Hey, it landed in the lake. Lets go look." Cut to Jason's new mask coming to rest at the bottom of the lake. END.

To sum up. It's probably better than 4 or 5 of the previous Jason movies, but it lacks any sense of real terror. Some of the deaths are gruesome, while there were too many played off camera. What you do come away with is the sense that Jason was never really a horrific killer, but a super hero of the modern day. Killing the slow and stupid like we all wish we could. All that's missing is a cape. But there's always Jason X2.

Movie Rating ***
Horror Movie Rating **
Friday The Thirteenth Movies Rating ***1/2

- Scott Mayle

Rating Scale

***** See it even if you have to kill.

**** Don't miss it!

*** See it if you're bored

** Rent it if you feel lucky.

* Avoid it at all costs.

 

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Scott is the webmaster and in his spare time offers himself up for ridicule and ribbing.

 

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