A Torch For Michelle Kwan and Other Musings
a flourish, the 1980 Gold Medal Winning American Hockey Team lit
the Olympic Torch. Whoopdy-shit. Yes, my faithful reader(s), it
is that time again. That sacred time every, um, is it 4 years,
or 2? Crap, I can never remember. Screw it, its the Winter Olympics
again. Settle down, pull yer britches back up and shut it.
Yes, the Winter Olympics. The biggest
Must See event that you will have to Must See this year. And you
will Must Have to see it, because its pre-empting all my damn
shows on NBC for the next 2 weeks.
First off, the opening ceremony (a wonderful,
fully realized emotional
tribute to the Great Goat King of New England), went off without
a hitch, excluding the small child who took a tumble on the ice
(And hey, dont feel bad kiddo, every damn time I write one of
these things, I feel like the whole world is watching me fall
on my face too, so take solace in that).
After the usual ridiculously elabourate
showcase of the gayness of each country in parade form, the events
started proper. The first event I watched, Figure Skating, I watched
with intense fervor and determination, determined not to miss
any of the spine tingling action that was to take place. There
was snow, and cold, and dammit, if you've ever been to Utah, you
know that those things are the spice of life in that dreary backwater
well, oh to hell with it, I have to be honest, the only reason
I watch this piss poor so called event is to check out the poopers
on the hot ice skating broads.
Michelle Kwan. She brings that special feeling to the nether regions
that I've sorely missed ever since Mary Lou Retton stopped hawking
Revco. This girl is built like a brick shit house, and she is
almost ugly enough in the face to make the reality of her and
I hooking up, well, a reality.
And dear God, the shitter on that woman,
if I wasnt such a devout christian man, I would hire that one
ice cream eatin' midget and buy 3 vats of vaseline and re-enact
the Gettsyburg address on that ass.
O'oh, hold on folks, I'll be right back.
(ten minutes later)
Sorry about that folks, had to take care
of some business. Let me just sum up my review on the 2002 Winter
Olympics by saying, eat at McDonalds.
Christopher Patrick is a contributor to Skedoozy.com and
in his free time shaves beavers at the Green Pastures Retirement Community
of White Plains, NY.
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