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The Big Gimboid

Wow, the reaction to my first column here at Skedoozy has been nothing short of amazing. I got some great feedback from you guys out there. I'll be sharing that with you in a little section I call "Who the fuck are you?". Also today, I add a new weekly feature to the column called "Usless Interviews With Chris P.". I think the name says it all.

So what I've decided to talk about today are Car Commercials. Well, one car commercial in particular. I'm sure you've seen it.

Two men stand in their yards, Guy #1 asks the Guy#2 if he and his wife are into "swapping". Guy #2 smiles and looks at Guy #1's wife who is on the porch. She is, of course, a hottie. Guy #2 says, Yeah, are you guys into that? Now Guy #1 says Yes..

Now lets pause here for one second. What they want you to think is that these two men are talking about swapping wives for sex. There are no two ifs about it. This is what you are to think. Now back to the commerical.

Guy #1 now tells him that the kids are into it too. Grabs Guy #2's keys, he nads his is keys to him and he calls the wife and kids over to take the guys car out for a drive.

OHHH he meant CAR SWAPPING. But they wanted you too think that he meant WIFE SWAPPING for a little you fuck mine and I'll fuck yours action. And not only that, they made you think that the CHILDREN were involved with this too. So we are breaking. what, 3 or 4 commandments here just to sell a fucking car?

Now I am not a prude. I think the commercial is fine, I don't think it's particularly funny, or witty, but it's just a commercial. I have no morals so I don't care. But what I don't understand is how the fuck this commercial got on the air. And now that it is on the air how in the world has it gotten by every Christian Coalition Conservatism Council that exists in the world today.

I don't see how a mother of two, church going, straight laced female who sits down to watch TV with her kids can sit through this commercial without calling every TV station within calling distance to complain about it. In a day and age where almost everything even slightly offensive is protested and banned, this commercial airs every night during prime time and not one fucking word is said? A commercial that makes you think thatthese to guys are into WIFE SWAPPING FOR SEX AND THAT THE CHILDREN ALSO LIKE TO SWAP FOR FUCKING. Yet Billy Bob in ARKANSAS shoots his TV cuz a real lookin bug done crawled on it and hey you shoot roaches where you live don't you? That commercial is taken off the air within weeks for fear of people killin thier TV's.

But we don't care that kids are watching this CAR commercial and then turning to thier parents and asking "Mommy, what's wife swapping?", "Well, Sissy. Wife swapping is where daddy gives me to someone elses daddy so that he can fuck me for a night while he fucks that mommy.", "Oh, cool. Can me and brother join?".

The craziest thing is that the real blame, when you break it down, lays in the Middle East. The Middle East and Bill Gates. No matter what happens in the world, if it's bad, you can blame it on the Middle East and Bill Gates. WindowsOBL anyone?


This first email comes to us from James

And who the fuck are you? Do you have any idea who the fuck I am? No, I
didn't fucking think so. So why the fuck did you email me? Lose this
fucking email, or I will be FORCED to hunt you down

Thank you and take care.

Thanks for writing, James. To answer your questions. I am no one to be trifled with. I know who the fuck you are, Morpheus. I emailed you because you wanted to know about my column, even if you didn't know you wanted to. I tried losing the email but no matter what I did I still remembered where I left it.



This weeks useless interview comes to us with the help of The Crazy Spick. Thank you, Crazy Spick, wherever you are.

SkedoozysChrisP: Hello, Crazy Spick!! My name is Chris, I write a column for a website
and I don't feel like writing it so can I talk to you and print it?

TheCrazySpick: i guess
TheCrazySpick: wat website

SkedoozysChrisP: it's called I'm not sure what they do there other then
print my articles. That's all I look at.

TheCrazySpick: ok
SkedoozysChrisP: I found you by looking up people who are interested in "Hispanic".
How are you interested in "Hispanic"?

TheCrazySpick: cuz they look damn good
TheCrazySpick: and im also hispanic

SkedoozysChrisP: Which "Hispanic"s look damn good? Like Jennifer Lopez?
TheCrazySpick: yes!
TheCrazySpick: shes puerto rican just like me

SkedoozysChrisP: Do you live in the Puerto Rico?
TheCrazySpick: i wish
TheCrazySpick: no i live in the us

SkedoozysChrisP: Is there gold in Puerto Rico?
TheCrazySpick: um yeah i think hispanics and gold they go together like peanut
butter and jelly
SkedoozysChrisP: Was Gerrardo from Puertooo Riiico?
SkedoozysChrisP: Ya know he had that song.. Rico Suave...

TheCrazySpick: that gay rico suave guy
TheCrazySpick: i thought he was mexican
TheCrazySpick: he looked dirty with that jerry curl
SkedoozysChrisP: Was he gay? He was in Colors, with Robert Duval and Sean Penn. I
think Damon Wayans fucked a stuffed bunny rabbit in that movie. If were gonna point the gay finger at anyone.....

TheCrazySpick: ahahaha true true
TheCrazySpick: but ijust dont dig those tite pants he had
TheCrazySpick: tite pants arent cool cuts circulation off to the needed areas
SkedoozysChrisP: I'm sure he did a lot of digging in them
TheCrazySpick: ahaha maybe so
SkedoozysChrisP: Speaking of cool cuts, what's the preferred "Hispanic" hair cut these

TheCrazySpick: well um mine
TheCrazySpick: it used to be the old drawn out slick rick hairstyle
TheCrazySpick: now its more of the spikey messed up i know i look good look
SkedoozysChrisP: Oh man, speaking of Slick Rick, whatever happened to Too Short?
TheCrazySpick: who?
SkedoozysChrisP: Life is Too Short, would you agree?
SkedoozysChrisP: While you're living your life don't mess with me.

TheCrazySpick: yeah well life is only good in the 20's
TheCrazySpick: after u get older
TheCrazySpick: no point of livin
SkedoozysChrisP: I can't do the Charleston so I'd never last in the 20's.
TheCrazySpick: ahah
TheCrazySpick: hell no i love livin now
TheCrazySpick: shoot in the 20's girls couldnt wear skirts above their ankles
TheCrazySpick: now girls can walk around ass naked and no one would say
SkedoozysChrisP: Speaking of livin now, where does the word "Hispanic" come from?
SkedoozysChrisP: I would say something.

TheCrazySpick: i have no idea maybe some old dude made it up i call myself latino
SkedoozysChrisP: I was just breaking down the word.. Hispanic.. His panic. do you think
it was some white guy who was afraid to go on the west side?

TheCrazySpick: ahahah i dont doubt that wrong
SkedoozysChrisP: why do so many "Hispanic" families have children named Chui? But
none of them are really named Chui, they just call them that?

TheCrazySpick: hell if i know i dont have anyone in my familia named or called that
TheCrazySpick: i think only illegal aliens do that
TheCrazySpick: so ins dont get them
SkedoozysChrisP: That explains Star Wars and the relationship between Han Solo and
Chewbacca so well.

TheCrazySpick: well hans was into bestiality
SkedoozysChrisP: You seem to like the"Chicas", what makes them different from the

TheCrazySpick: they take baths
SkedoozysChrisP: White girls don't baths?
TheCrazySpick: the ones i see
SkedoozysChrisP: And smell?
TheCrazySpick: the ones at miami and stuff thats diff
TheCrazySpick: this white i knew used to always sweat under her armpits no
matter what
SkedoozysChrisP: Miami? The Rock is from Miami.
TheCrazySpick: he is?
TheCrazySpick: he has a pansy name
TheCrazySpick: dwayne johnson
SkedoozysChrisP: All night on the beach till the break of dawn..

TheCrazySpick: welcome to miami
TheCrazySpick: whew the girls on that video were hot
TheCrazySpick: perfect tans nice accents the works
SkedoozysChrisP: What television shows are tops with "Hispanic"s these days?
TheCrazySpick: que locos is one funny ass show id have to say
SkedoozysChrisP: Did you notice there were no "Hispanics" in Lord Of The Rings?
What's up with that? You know some of those Hobbits had a Low Rider.
TheCrazySpick: well cuz everyone was gettin killed in the lord of the rings and we
hispanics no better to run our asses off then die
SkedoozysChrisP: Plus it was a gold ring, gold rims.. now that's a different story...
TheCrazySpick: exactly!
SkedoozysChrisP: You'd take on some RIMWraiths for 4 14k Daytons, right?
TheCrazySpick: nah
SkedoozysChrisP: What's the music scene like?
TheCrazySpick: where at?
SkedoozysChrisP: Wherever.
TheCrazySpick: fast pacin music
SkedoozysChrisP: Do you think Tommy Davidson has hit rock bottom now that he is in
Pizza Hut commercials?

TheCrazySpick: hell yeah!
TheCrazySpick: no i tink carrot top has
TheCrazySpick: for those whack ass call att commercials
SkedoozysChrisP: You have to be on top to hit the bottom
TheCrazySpick: true dat
SkedoozysChrisP: Do you think that Jim Carrey should help a brother out?

TheCrazySpick: i think jim carrey should make some better damn movies
SkedoozysChrisP: What's been wrong with the last few Jim Carrey movies?
TheCrazySpick: they been all serious and stupid
TheCrazySpick: hes a COMEDY actor
TheCrazySpick: people need to know thats what he is
TheCrazySpick: and thats all hes good at
SkedoozysChrisP: Right. So he should do some more Booty humor
TheCrazySpick: exactly
TheCrazySpick: the dumber the better
SkedoozysChrisP: Why did Mewes get arrested?
TheCrazySpick: who? i dont watch the news unless my cousin wants me to know if
the cops are on his tail
SkedoozysChrisP: Oh, nevermind. Do you think if the Friends on Friends had a "Hispanic"
friend that they would all get laid more?

TheCrazySpick: yeah
TheCrazySpick: they would have some of the latin charm rub off on them
SkedoozysChrisP: Are you an Oakland Raiders fan?
TheCrazySpick: nope
SkedoozysChrisP: Dallas Cowboys?
TheCrazySpick: no they lost all their good players
SkedoozysChrisP: Right, screw them. Do you think KFC should offer Popcorn Chicken
ALL the time, and not just for a limited time?

TheCrazySpick: hell yeah
TheCrazySpick: thats GOOD
TheCrazySpick: i could grub on that all day
TheCrazySpick: the colonel is holdin back that fat bitch
SkedoozysChrisP: Is it "Homes" or "Holmes"?
TheCrazySpick: ahahah
TheCrazySpick: homes
SkedoozysChrisP: So it has nothing to do with litterature?
TheCrazySpick: nope
SkedoozysChrisP: Sir Author Conan Doyle will never be cool in da hood, it's official.
TheCrazySpick: ahaha
TheCrazySpick: well if he gets pussy he will
SkedoozysChrisP: Do the beans REALLY taste better fried thrice?
TheCrazySpick: hell if i know i dont even know y they call them refried beans
SkedoozysChrisP: Chilitios. What's up with that?
TheCrazySpick: i unno whast up wit it givin me gas
SkedoozysChrisP: I hear in Mexico that Chillito is slang for..... *penis*.
TheCrazySpick: well go ask a mexican
SkedoozysChrisP: I can't. Restraining order.
TheCrazySpick: i refer to mine as a dick
SkedoozysChrisP: Do you watch Sci-Fi shows?
TheCrazySpick: um not really dont have the sci fi channel
SkedoozysChrisP: So you don't watch Star Trek?
TheCrazySpick: HELL NO thats the most borin show ever made
TheCrazySpick: all they do is float around dont they ever go back to earth
TheCrazySpick: and bang some women
TheCrazySpick: id die of blue balls
SkedoozysChrisP: The Andorians have Blue Balls. It doesn't seem fatal.
TheCrazySpick: and the vulcans have red balls
TheCrazySpick: so its all balancd
SkedoozysChrisP: Vulcans have Red Balls? Did you read the Star Trek Testicular

TheCrazySpick: yeah! it was at a garage sale
TheCrazySpick: very rare
SkedoozysChrisP: What do you do for a living?
TheCrazySpick: porn star
SkedoozysChrisP: Speaking of porn, do you play videogames?
TheCrazySpick: yeah a bit
TheCrazySpick: how the hell did u get porn from videogames?
SkedoozysChrisP: If I knew the answer to that I'd be a millionaire.
SkedoozysChrisP: Ever play that there uhm Pacman? Talk about hard. Little yellow

TheCrazySpick: that shit was whack and cheaply made
TheCrazySpick: but for some reason it was extremely addictive
SkedoozysChrisP: Mrs. Pac-man was a whore.

TheCrazySpick: she looked like a man
TheCrazySpick: in fact i think she was a man
TheCrazySpick: she was pac man wearin a bow
TheCrazySpick: that transvestite
SkedoozysChrisP: Pac was a cross dresser, yo. Hey, have you seen the new Caramel

TheCrazySpick: no i don tink
SkedoozysChrisP: sometimes, I tink, but I try not to. It makes me go all soft and limp.
TheCrazySpick: uh i dont wanna think about u all soft and limp
SkedoozysChrisP: Is the coolest Star Wars related porn word ever, Naboobies?
TheCrazySpick: ahaha sounds pretty cool to me
SkedoozysChrisP: I have another question that's been buggin me all day.
SkedoozysChrisP: Will there really be flying cars in 2015?

TheCrazySpick: No
TheCrazySpick: cuz of osama bin laden
TheCrazySpick: all our efforts are goin into killin that one lil bitch
SkedoozysChrisP: Plus, how easy would it be to drive your Pinto into a building?
TheCrazySpick: dont hate on my pinto its a classic
TheCrazySpick: but floatin cars would mean no wheels then no rims
TheCrazySpick: very bad
SkedoozysChrisP: If you drove your Pinto into a building then the Terrorists have won.
TheCrazySpick: yeah exactly
SkedoozysChrisP: Are you interested in the Book Of Mormon?
TheCrazySpick: NO!



Christopher Patrick is a contributor to and raises sheep in his bedroom.


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